The Art of Friendship

Scripture: 1 Samuel 18: 1-4; 20: 1-42

Sermon: The Art of Friendship

Topics: friendship, Jonathan, David

Preached: August 11, 2002

Rev. Mike Abma

1 Samuel 18: 1-4

When David had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was bound to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul.²Saul took him that day and would not let him return to his father’s house. ³Then Jonathan made a covenant with David, because he loved him as his own soul. ⁴Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that he was wearing, and gave it to David, and his armour, and even his sword and his bow and his belt. ⁵David went out and was successful wherever Saul sent him; as a result, Saul set him over the army. And all the people, even the servants of Saul, approved.

1 Samuel 20: 1—42

David fled from Naioth in Ramah. He came before Jonathan and said, ‘What have I done? What is my guilt? And what is my sin against your father that he is trying to take my life?’ ²He said to him, ‘Perish the thought! You shall not die. My father does nothing either great or small without disclosing it to me; and why should my father hide this from me? Never!’ ³But David also swore, ‘Your father knows well that you like me; and he thinks, “Do not let Jonathan know this, or he will be grieved.” But truly, as the Lord lives and as you yourself live, there is but a step between me and death.’ ⁴Then Jonathan said to David, ‘Whatever you say, I will do for you.’ ⁵David said to Jonathan, ‘Tomorrow is the new moon, and I should not fail to sit with the king at the meal; but let me go, so that I may hide in the field until the third evening. ⁶If your father misses me at all, then say, “David earnestly asked leave of me to run to Bethlehem his city; for there is a yearly sacrifice there for all the family.”⁷If he says, “Good!” it will be well with your servant; but if he is angry, then know that evil has been determined by him. ⁸Therefore deal kindly with your servant, for you have brought your servant into a sacred covenant with you. But if there is guilt in me, kill me yourself; why should you bring me to your father?’ ⁹Jonathan said, ‘Far be it from you! If I knew that it was decided by my father that evil should come upon you, would I not tell you?’ ¹⁰Then David said to Jonathan, ‘Who will tell me if your father answers you harshly?’ ¹¹Jonathan replied to David, ‘Come, let us go out into the field.’ So they both went out into the field.

12 Jonathan said to David, ‘By the Lord, the God of Israel! When I have sounded out my father, about this time tomorrow, or on the third day, if he is well disposed towards David, shall I not then send and disclose it to you? ¹³But if my father intends to do you harm, the Lord do so to Jonathan, and more also, if I do not disclose it to you, and send you away, so that you may go in safety. May the Lord be with you, as he has been with my father. ¹⁴If I am still alive, show me the faithful love of the Lord; but if I die, ¹⁵never cut off your faithful love from my house, even if the Lord were to cut off every one of the enemies of David from the face of the earth.’ ¹⁶Thus Jonathan made a covenant with the house of David, saying, ‘May the Lord seek out the enemies of David.’ ¹⁷Jonathan made David swear again by his love for him; for he loved him as he loved his own life.

18 Jonathan said to him, ‘Tomorrow is the new moon; you will be missed, because your place will be empty. ¹⁹On the day after tomorrow, you shall go a long way down; go to the place where you hid yourself earlier, and remain beside the stone there. ²⁰I will shoot three arrows to the side of it, as though I shot at a mark. ²¹Then I will send the boy, saying, “Go, find the arrows.” If I say to the boy, “Look, the arrows are on this side of you, collect them”, then you are to come, for, as the Lord lives, it is safe for you and there is no danger. ²²But if I say to the young man, “Look, the arrows are beyond you”, then go; for the Lord has sent you away.²³As for the matter about which you and I have spoken, the Lord is witness between you and me for ever.’

24 So David hid himself in the field. When the new moon came, the king sat at the feast to eat. ²⁵The king sat upon his seat, as at other times, upon the seat by the wall. Jonathan stood, while Abner sat by Saul’s side; but David’s place was empty.

26 Saul did not say anything that day; for he thought, ‘Something has befallen him; he is not clean, surely he is not clean.’ ²⁷But on the second day, the day after the new moon, David’s place was empty. And Saul said to his son Jonathan, ‘Why has the son of Jesse not come to the feast, either yesterday or today?’ ²⁸Jonathan answered Saul, ‘David earnestly asked leave of me to go to Bethlehem; ²⁹he said, “Let me go; for our family is holding a sacrifice in the city, and my brother has commanded me to be there. So now, if I have found favour in your sight, let me get away, and see my brothers.” For this reason he has not come to the king’s table.’

30 Then Saul’s anger was kindled against Jonathan. He said to him, ‘You son of a perverse, rebellious woman! Do I not know that you have chosen the son of Jesse to your own shame, and to the shame of your mother’s nakedness? ³¹For as long as the son of Jesse lives upon the earth, neither you nor your kingdom shall be established. Now send and bring him to me, for he shall surely die.’ ³²Then Jonathan answered his father Saul, ‘Why should he be put to death? What has he done?’ ³³But Saul threw his spear at him to strike him; so Jonathan knew that it was the decision of his father to put David to death. ³⁴Jonathan rose from the table in fierce anger and ate no food on the second day of the month, for he was grieved for David, and because his father had disgraced him.

35 In the morning Jonathan went out into the field to the appointment with David, and with him was a little boy. ³⁶He said to the boy, ‘Run and find the arrows that I shoot.’ As the boy ran, he shot an arrow beyond him. ³⁷When the boy came to the place where Jonathan’s arrow had fallen, Jonathan called after the boy and said, ‘Is the arrow not beyond you?’ ³⁸Jonathan called after the boy, ‘Hurry, be quick, do not linger.’ So Jonathan’s boy gathered up the arrows and came to his master. ³⁹But the boy knew nothing; only Jonathan and David knew the arrangement.⁴⁰Jonathan gave his weapons to the boy and said to him, ‘Go and carry them to the city.’ ⁴¹As soon as the boy had gone, David rose from beside the stone heap and prostrated himself with his face to the ground. He bowed three times, and they kissed each other, and wept with each other; David wept the more. ⁴²Then Jonathan said to David, ‘Go in peace, since both of us have sworn in the name of the Lord, saying, “The Lord shall be between me and you, and between my descendants and your descendants, for ever.” ’ He got up and left; and Jonathan went into the city.

This is the Word of the Lord

Thanks be to God

INTRODUCTION

We live in a world in which it seems to be harder and harder to make friends and harder and harder to keep friends. In survey after survey, women find it easier to name a good friend than men do. In survey after survey, both men and women will list as friends people they have not seen since high school or people they have not talked to in years , begging the question what does it mean to be a friend?

But being a friend is both hard work and a big risk. In our overly transient, overly stressed, overly busy world, it takes work to make time for friends and to keep up with them. In our risk-avoidance culture, it is also a step of faith to place your love and trust in another person. Like all relationships worth having, friendships have the potential for great good and great harm. Friendships have the ability to blaze with love or when they go bad, to burn with bitterness. Perhaps we have been burned. Perhaps we’ve been rejected. Perhaps we’ve become cynical.

Mark Twain once wrote that “the holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last a whole lifetime – if it is not asked to lend money.”

The past President, Harry Truman, was even more blunt. He once quipped, “If you want a friend for life, get a dog.”

Of course, even in our most cynical moments, the painful reality is that we all want a friend for life. Someone we love and trust and can turn to in our times of trouble.

TRUE FRIENDSHIP

The Greek philosopher, Aristotle, talks about three types of friendship. The first two are friendships based on usefulness and pleasure.

What does it mean to have a friendship based on usefulness or pleasure? A couple of years ago the movie The Talented Mr. Ripley came out. It was set in the late 50’s. A young, poor social striver, Tom Ripley, convinces a certain Mr. Greenleaf that he knows Mr. Greenleaf’s son, Dickie. Mr. Greenleaf wants nothing better than for his philandering son to return to the United States from Italy. So he sends Tom to Italy to convince his son Dickie to return. Tom goes to Italy and soon a friendship of sorts develop between Tom and Dickie. For Tom, the wealthy Dickie is the doorway into a rich and glamorous life. For Dickie, Tom is just fun to have around, to go to jazz bars with. Tom’s friendship with Dickie is based on usefulness. Dickie’s friendship with Tom is based on pleasure. But their friendship is shallow. Under the veneer of friendship, Tom envies and even loathes Dickie’s wealth and arrogance. Under the veneer of friendship, Dickie sees Tom as a leech, a striver, someone well below him on the social ladder.

No, says Aristotle, real friendship has to be based on something more than usefulness, something more than pleasure. It has to be based on character. This is the third type of friendship and the only real kind, the only true kind. It is a friendship between good people who want the best for each other.

As Christians, we can whole heartedly agree with Aristotle. But we would add a few things to what Aristotle says. We would say that what is best for our friend is the acquisition and practice of various virtues or let’s call them fruits of the Spirit. We would say that what is best for our friend is that they listen to what God is calling them to – namely that they discover their vocations in life. A friend, then, is someone who helps us grow in virtue and helps us realize our God-given vocations.

JONATHON AND DAVID

The Bible does give us various friendships — Paul and Timothy, Ruth and Naomi, …– but the one that is in many ways the most extraordinary is the friendship between Jonathon and David. What makes it so extraordinary is how this relationship holds together even when everything else around it is falling apart.

I Kings 18 begins with introducing us to the friendship that developed between David and Jonathon.

Both were heroes in the Israelite army.

Both had scored huge victories against the Philistines.

Both were admired by their fellow soldiers.

Both had a hot and cold relationship with Saul, the king – for Saul

loved them both and yet tried to kill them both.

There were great similarities between Jonathon and David.

But there were also great differences. Jonathon was the son of the king. Jonathon was next in line to be king. David was simply a shepherd from the hills of Judah who knew how to play a harp and handle Philistine giants. And yet, David had already been anointed as the next king of Israel. This was David’s destiny. This was David’s future. This was David’s vocation, his calling.

The thing that separated Jonathon from his father Saul, was that he could accept this future and Saul could not. The thing that allowed Jonathon to be friends with David was that he was able to accept that David was to be the next king and not him. He was able to accept this without resentment. He was able to be David’s companion without a lingering cloud of competition. Jonathon’s acceptance of David was how their friendship started. At the very beginning of chapter 18, Jonathon gives David his royal robe, his royal tunic, his royal sword and bow and belt. This is how Jonathon symbolically showed his acceptance of David as the future king.

But chapters 18-20 are also about Saul’s refusal to accept David as the future king. Saul tries to kill David again and again and again. He throws his javelin at David. He chucks a spear at him. He says David can marry his daughter for a huge dowry of 100 dead Philistines, thinking that should surely eliminate this trouble-maker. Saul even sends a hit squad after David to kill him in his sleep. But David gets away by slipping out the window.

Saul can only see David as one thing. A rival. An upstart. A competitor. A usurper. And so Saul can only burn with jealousy and anger against David. But Jonathon does not see David as a rival. Jonathon has accepted David. He has accepted David’s destiny, his future. Jonathon has accepted that David will be king. And his friendship with David is deep enough that he is willing to put his own life on the line to protect and even promote his friend.

In these chapters, 18-20, the jealousy of Saul swirls around like a hurricane of hatred. But in these same chapters, from the beginning of chapter 18 to the end of chapter 20, it is Jonathon’s friendship that acts like a hedge of protection around David protecting him, sheltering him, trying to absorb the evil directed toward him, and finally, offering him an escape.

SCHOOL OF VIRTUE

In many ways, friendships are like schools of virtue, training camps of character. Friendships test us and try us and even tempt us. The reality is that we are often attracted to people we admire and respect. But what we all notice is that it takes a lot of work to keep our admiration from turning into envy. It takes a lot of resolve to keep our respect from turning into rivalry.

Few novels explore this as well as John Knowles classic 1959 novel, A Separate Peace. The setting is a New England boarding school during the Second World War. The main character is Gene, a bright but shy and reserved boy who becomes best friends with Finny, an amazing athlete and an amazingly generous, fun-loving, popular person. Gene really does like Finny, loves to be with Finny, has a lot of fun with Finny. But every once in a while Gene finds himself resenting how easily athletics comes to Finny. Every once in a while he even begins to think that Finny is trying to distract him from his school work to drag his grades down. This is the conflict Gene fights in his heart – the slippery slide from admiration into envy; the slippery slide from respect into rivalry.

At a crucial moment in the book, envy and rivalry seem to win out. Gene and Finny are both up in a tree to jump into the water. While Finny is walking out on a branch, out on a limb to jump in, Gene shakes the branch. Finny falls and breaks his leg. It is a bad break. Finney’s athletic career is ended. But even worse than that, over the course of the book, Gene comes to realize how much he has betrayed his friendship with Finny. He comes to realize that Finny only wanted the very best for him.

His friendship with Finny — that he should have viewed with awe, and reverence — is the friendship he became suspicious of.

This friendship that he should have received with deep gratitude as a gracious gift, this is the very friendship he came to resent.

OUR FRIENDSHIP WITH JESUS

The reality is that any person who accepts us as we are;

Any person who loves us in spite of all our faults;

Any person who encourages the best in us;

Any person who loves us deeply enough to warn us about the worst in

us;.

Any such person is our friend.

And one friend that each and every one of us have is Jesus, the Christ, the Son of God.

Our friendship with Jesus has some of the same challenges as our other friendships.

These are the challenges to view the friendship with awe and reverence.

The challenge to accept the friendship with deep gratitude as a gracious gift.

But sometimes the friendship of Jesus is hard to accept.

Sometimes we resent the fact that Jesus gave his life for us – we think to ourselves, “I didn’t ask him to die for me.”

Sometimes we are suspicious of Jesus’ motives for being our friend. We wonder what Jesus meant when he said, “You are my friends if you do what I command.” Are we being coerced, manipulated?

Sometimes we feel tired of owing Jesus things, bored of always having Jesus around, watching us, knowing us.

And so, sometimes when were sitting out there on a limb of faith,

We’re tempted to give that limb a shake, so that Jesus will fall down.

We’re tempted to saw ourselves off from the church, off from faith, off from friendship with Jesus — we’re tired of trying to live up to his goodness, to live up to his perfection, to live up to what we think our his unrealistic expectations.

But then we see the face of our friend.

the pain of our betrayal;

the tears of his long-suffering love;

the forgiveness in the open embrace

suddenly we realize he is not in this friendship for himself.

He is in it for us – ever, only, always for us;

to know us, to love us, to save us, to bring out the best in us.

His is a love, all loves excelling.

His is a friendship, all friendships must follow.