Scripture: Genesis 31: 22-55

Sermon: When Families Feud

Topics: Feud, Family, Reconciliation

Preached: June 27, 1999 Woodlawn, p.m.

Rev. Mike Abma

GENESIS 31: 22-55

On the third day Laban was told that Jacob had fled. ²³So he took his kinsfolk with him and pursued him for seven days until he caught up with him in the hill country of Gilead. ²⁴But God came to Laban the Aramean in a dream by night, and said to him, ‘Take heed that you say not a word to Jacob, either good or bad.’

25 Laban overtook Jacob. Now Jacob had pitched his tent in the hill country, and Laban with his kinsfolk camped in the hill country of Gilead.²⁶Laban said to Jacob, ‘What have you done? You have deceived me, and carried away my daughters like captives of the sword. ²⁷Why did you flee secretly and deceive me and not tell me? I would have sent you away with mirth and songs, with tambourine and lyre. ²⁸And why did you not permit me to kiss my sons and my daughters farewell? What you have done is foolish. ²⁹It is in my power to do you harm; but the God of your father spoke to me last night, saying, “Take heed that you speak to Jacob neither good nor bad.” ³⁰Even though you had to go because you longed greatly for your father’s house, why did you steal my gods?’ ³¹Jacob answered Laban, ‘Because I was afraid, for I thought that you would take your daughters from me by force. ³²But anyone with whom you find your gods shall not live. In the presence of our kinsfolk, point out what I have that is yours, and take it.’ Now Jacob did not know that Rachel had stolen the gods.

33 So Laban went into Jacob’s tent, and into Leah’s tent, and into the tent of the two maids, but he did not find them. And he went out of Leah’s tent, and entered Rachel’s. ³⁴Now Rachel had taken the household gods and put them in the camel’s saddle, and sat on them. Laban felt all about in the tent, but did not find them. ³⁵And she said to her father, ‘Let not my lord be angry that I cannot rise before you, for the way of women is upon me.’ So he searched, but did not find the household gods.

36 Then Jacob became angry, and upbraided Laban. Jacob said to Laban, ‘What is my offence? What is my sin, that you have hotly pursued me?³⁷Although you have felt about through all my goods, what have you found of all your household goods? Set it here before my kinsfolk and your kinsfolk, so that they may decide between us two. ³⁸These twenty years I have been with you; your ewes and your female goats have not miscarried, and I have not eaten the rams of your flocks. ³⁹That which was torn by wild beasts I did not bring to you; I bore the loss of it myself; of my hand you required it, whether stolen by day or stolen by night. ⁴⁰It was like this with me: by day the heat consumed me, and the cold by night, and my sleep fled from my eyes. ⁴¹These twenty years I have been in your house; I served you for fourteen years for your two daughters, and six years for your flock, and you have changed my wages ten times.⁴²If the God of my father, the God of Abraham and the Fear of Isaac, had not been on my side, surely now you would have sent me away empty-handed. God saw my affliction and the labour of my hands, and rebuked you last night.’

43 Then Laban answered and said to Jacob, ‘The daughters are my daughters, the children are my children, the flocks are my flocks, and all that you see is mine. But what can I do today about these daughters of mine, or about their children whom they have borne? ⁴⁴Come now, let us make a covenant, you and I; and let it be a witness between you and me.’⁴⁵So Jacob took a stone, and set it up as a pillar. ⁴⁶And Jacob said to his kinsfolk, ‘Gather stones,’ and they took stones, and made a heap; and they ate there by the heap. ⁴⁷Laban called it Jegar-sahadutha: but Jacob called it Galeed. ⁴⁸Laban said, ‘This heap is a witness between you and me today.’ Therefore he called it Galeed, ⁴⁹and the pillar Mizpah, for he said, ‘The Lord watch between you and me, when we are absent one from the other. ⁵⁰If you ill-treat my daughters, or if you take wives in addition to my daughters, though no one else is with us, remember that God is witness between you and me.’

51 Then Laban said to Jacob, ‘See this heap and see the pillar, which I have set between you and me. ⁵²This heap is a witness, and the pillar is a witness, that I will not pass beyond this heap to you, and you will not pass beyond this heap and this pillar to me, for harm. ⁵³May the God of Abraham and the God of Nahor’—the God of their father—‘judge between us.’ So Jacob swore by the Fear of his father Isaac, ⁵⁴and Jacob offered a sacrifice on the height and called his kinsfolk to eat bread; and they ate bread and tarried all night in the hill country.

55 Early in the morning Laban rose up, and kissed his grandchildren and his daughters and blessed them; then he departed and returned home.

This is the Word of the Lord

Thanks be to God

INTRODUCTION –FAMILY FEUDS

Our family took a little excursion to Battle Creek recently and we visited the Kellogg’s Museum there called Cereal City USA. It was quite fascinating to learn about the Seventh Day Adventist roots of the Kellogg’s company. It also was not a total shock to learn that in this family-based company a feud had developed very early on between one brother, Dr. John Harvey Kellogg and his more enterprising brother, William Keith Kellogg. Apparently they both claimed to be the inventors of Corn Flakes. I say it was not a total surprise because it is hard to find a family-run business that does not develop some sort of feud, some simmering disagreement, or some battle over control of the business.

Of course, a family doesn’t have to own or run a business to have a feud. It doesn’t take much scratching below the surface of any family to discover festering feuds and deep-seated disagreements. It may be the stand-off between a parent and child. It may be siblings who have refused to speak to each other. Or it may manifest itself in furious fighting. Perhaps feuds rarely reach the level of intensity as Shakespeare’s Capulets versus the Montagues or the classic American family feud of the Hatfields versus the McCoys, but almost every family is plagued with some form of bad blood – my family included.

When I returned in 1989 to the Netherlands, to the birthplace of my parents, to hometown of many of my aunts and uncles, I was swept up by the emotion of meeting many family members for the first time. But I also was struck by the harsh reality of a family feud that exists in my mother’s family. My mother was raised on a beautiful and picturesque Friesian farm. Somehow, over the years, my mother’s only sister and her husband gained control of that farm and, as the story goes, pushed my mother’s younger brothers off the farm. There must have been a certain amount of deception, coercion and foul-play involved for the family has been divided ever since. My aunt’s family lives on the historic family farm. But that family is isolated from the rest of the family. A wall of silence divides them. They live in a village of under 1000 people, but the families do not attend church together, do not speak together, do not walk on the same side of the street together – in effect, they pretend the other does not exist. And this stony silence, this absolute division, this wall that has divided them has been there for decades.

JACOB – LABAN FEUD

Genesis 31 ends with the building of just such a wall of division.

The atmosphere of Jacob’s departure from his uncle Laban is the exact opposite of his arrival. When Jacob arrived, there was warmth and love and acceptance. Laban runs out to meet Jacob. He embraces his nephew, kisses him, and welcomes him into the family. But twenty years later, things have changed. The warmth has turned cold. The hospitality has turned into hostility. The embrace has turned into exclusion.

What happened? Perhaps it was the curse of success. Jacob arrived at his uncle’s house empty-handed but after twenty years of hard work and divine blessing, Jacob has both a large family and huge flocks. There is an intimate connection between Jacob’s family and flocks and it is found in the names Leah and Rachel. The name Leah in fact means cow and the name Rachel means ewe (female sheep). So whenever the story talks about Jacob being blessed with and taking care of the sheep and livestock there is a double meaning – it is referring to the flocks but also to Rachel and Leah, his wives.

The thing that infuriates Laban is that no matter what wage system is agreed upon, and no matter how much he tries stack the deck against his nephew, Jacob is somehow always able to get richer and richer. The size of his growing family is complimented by the size of his growing flocks. By the beginning of Genesis 31, God tells Jacob something he needs to be reminded of. Jacob has a big family, huge flocks. He is wealthy. He is well-established. After 20 years he is becoming rooted. The Lord says to Jacob, it is time to leave. It is time you go back home. The Lord speaks and Jacob listens. Before he could leave Jacob has to ask his wives’ permission. In that culture it was usually the wife who determined where a family would live. And so, Jacob tells Leah and Rachel what God had told him to do. Leah and Rachel, in their first display of unity, both say their father has mistreated them too. They are ready to leave Laban.

So Jacob, with his wives, all his children, all his flocks, take off from Paddan Aram while uncle Laban is sheering his sheep. They get a good start but Laban does not want them to go. Jacob’s wealth was still part of his extended family wealth. It would be no use to him hundreds of miles away. So Laban pursues Jacob. The end of Genesis 31 represents twenty years of simmering anger coming to a boil. In many ways this is a very legal argument. The conflict is over who has rights over whom. It could easily have turned nasty had Laban not been warned in a dream not to mistreat Jacob. If you read it carefully, both Laban and Jacob take on the role of victim. And isn’t that how so many feuds develop – one side being convinced they are the greater victim

Laban plays the victim-card first. He begins by making a general charge that Jacob has stolen his daughters and grandchildren away. Then he makes the more specific charge that Jacob has stolen his household idols. Jacob first defends himself against the charges. He admits to sneaking away out of fear, but he flatly denies stealing any household idols. He even lets Laban do a thorough search, offering that the person who possesses the stolen goods be put to death.

The scene of Rachel hiding the stolen idols while Laban searches the tent is written to show contempt for the idols. The thought of a woman sitting on something valuable or holy “that” time of the month was unthinkable in that culture. Of course, this scene is also meant to be a replay of the earlier Jacob and Isaac scene — Where Jacob had deceived his blind father to receive the blessing, here Rachel was deceiving her father in order to receive the supposed blessing these household gods had to offer.

Jacob, however, has no false hope in these idols or in a blessing deceptively gained. The twenty years have taught him something. After Laban’s search turns up nothing, Jacob goes on the offensive. He talks about the changeable weather he had to endure while working the flocks. He talks about the changeable wages he had to endure while working the flocks. He plays the victim card too, but with a difference. He asks for no pity or compensation for he knows the one constant in his life — God is with him, the God of Abraham and the Fear or Refuge of Isaac. That, admits Jacob, is his only comfort.

LABAN’S TRUCE — BUILDING A WALL

Laban wants the last word and his last word shows where his heart is at.

These women are my women;

These children are my children;

These flocks are my flocks.

After making that point Laban calls for a truce. Behind the truce there is a sense of fear in Laban. He senses the strength of Jacob and the strength of Jacob’s God. Better to keep Jacob and his God at arm’s length. Notice how Laban does all the talking. Jacob says only two words: “Gather stones.” Jacob has learned to trust actions more than words. Jacob, the deceiver, has married into a family of deceivers, Laban, Leah, Rachel. Jacob learns to be quiet and trust the Lord.

The truce to stay apart forever is signified by a pile of stones – Mizpah.

Stones keep popping up in the Jacob narrative.

* at Bethel Jacob uses a stone for a pillow

* he moves a stone from the well when he first arrives at Laban’s

* now this pile of stones, Mizpah, serves as both as a restraining order and a boundary marker keeping Laban and Jacob’s family permanently on either side.

Jacob and Laban agree to disagree.

They agree to permanently turn their backs away from each other.

They agree to go their separate ways forever.

In a way it seems Laban has introduced a sensible solution.

If you can’t live together, you might as well agree to live apart.

If you can’t get along, you might as well go your separate ways.

If you can’t co-exist, you might as well set up clear boundaries so that never may the two sides meet.

If you can’t get along, you might as well make a wall, a wall of stones, or at least a wall of stony silence, so that you will never walk on the same street together, be in the same house together, worship in the same church together.

Robert Frost, in his famous 1914 poem, Mending Wall, describes neighbors repairing a stone wall in springtime. The poem has two voices. One voice isn’t so sure that walls are such a good idea.

“something there is that does not love a wall” it muses.

“What is being walled in and what is being walled out?” it questions.

The other voice simply has one refrain: “Good fences make good neighbors.”

Do they?

Partition seems to be the way we often handle conflict.

Politically: North Korea from South. Kosovo from Yugoslavia.

Ethnic Serb from ethnic Albanian. Palestinian from Israeli.

Personally: Husband from wife.

Son or daughter from parent.

Family from family.

In family after family a Cold War is lived out with their own Berlin Walls separating side from side.

And we often say in resignation, “We have no choice.”

Don’t we?

THE REAL TRUCE — RECONCILIATION

The great descendant of Jacob, Jesus, becomes a stone in a wall, but his is a different wall for a different purpose. Jesus becomes the capstone, the stone at the apex of an arch holding two seemingly opposing sides together. Jesus, this living stone, is there reconciling the two sides, providing not an obstacle, but a way to pass through arm in arm. Jesus Christ becomes this stone by being the real victim, literally, so that we can live in love.

Erecting walls, tolerating stand-off’s.

Being resigned to living with feuds.

Allowing everyone to play the role of victim.

These are all ways we give in to fear, ways we chose to give in to enmity, ways we construct our lives with the wrong building materials, the wrong stones – the stones of division, the stones of exclusion, the stones of hate.

There is a different way of building a life – a life of love, held together by Christ, which creates an oasis of the kingdom of God.

When Jacob finally comes home he meets Esau, his older brother. He is nervous about this. He wonders whether a wall of anger is still separating him from his brother. However, when they meet Esau runs to Jacob, embraces him, kisses him and they weep together. Jacob is overwhelmed. And he says to his brother, “In receiving me favorably, seeing your face is like seeing the face of God.”

As Christians, as little Christ’s in this world, reconciliation needs to be in our bloodstream – the work of forgiving and be forgiven is our great project.

Christ alone can break down the walls of exclusion.

Through him alone do we know the embrace of reconciliation is like seeing the face of God.

Amen